Correlation

2011-10-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace. –The Confessions of Saint Augustine

2011-09-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

tomorrow. swp.

2011-09-22T20:58:00.001-07:00

“I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”
-jonathan safran foer, extremely cloud & incredibly close"

2011-09-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

a friend this evening asked me if i feel divided. what with being home for two weeks, hopping on another plane, and living a remarkably different life in seattle.. "how do you do it?"

how do i do it?

somewhat thoughtlessly, i suppose. i jump the void between these vastly different places. my eight hours on a plane is processing time. this time, east to west. shedding maryland self and taking on all that is seattle. hustle, drive, rush. to breathe, be, learn, explore. i think it says something when i am more excited about being alive in the emerald city. don't get me wrong it has been a gift to be here. i love my family & all of their antics. old & new community (especially via camping) with folks from here is more than i could have asked for.

thirty-six hours left: take the kids to school. run. sushi with shelby. concert. seeing my best friend for the first time in a year. powerplant live. BWI to Sea Tac.

and just like that i am back with the people i have been able to share the past four years with. i sometimes get quite weirded out about this whole world of relationships where people know me as i am now, but not who i was any time before a couple years ago.

"it's like you cannot know me without knowing everyone who has made me me" -bkm

thank you for making me me, for asking, for listening, for always beginning with the 1030 rule. i shall eternally share chai with you. dirty or otherwise.

see you soon, seattle. sorry for cheating on you for so long. baltimore has nothing on you.

2011-07-17T22:41:00.001-07:00

those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

may i belong.

2011-07-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

these words i wish not to inscribe. for uncertainty and weakness are safer in the cages and caverns of my mind. but like a cry for help or bat flapping its wings, the sound is magnified. reverberating off the damp walls, continually piercing my heart. non-fatal wounds that leave me gasping for air, leave me in awe of the circumstances i find myself in.

i am quite manic these days. i know not the stable, even keeled self. though my every analysis of my actions confirm that i am not so different, my mind and heart are racing, speeding toward an unknown destination. before i reach it, i am left worn, weary, and doubting all things. how can You love me? even when I push You away. i fill my mind with scores of ideas about You. I am left in awe of You. You in all Your complexity, Your simplicity. The Divine. yet immanent. Such light, yet my heart still finds chained shades of grey. You are the God who breaks chains, sets the captives free. so come, Lord. Come Lord Jesus.

2010-06-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

camp. begins. tomorrow.

time at home:
glorious family, fantastic friends, dance parties, summer humidity, swimming, reservoir, crabs, beth+rocket to venus, steph!, downtown, toy story 3!!

we embark on our trek North tomorrow.

i LOVE all that is unknown: new. fresh. exhilarating.

pray for me, please. it would just about be the best ever.

love! -j

2010-06-09T01:00:00.001-07:00

Do you feel music? Because I think I "feel" music more than I even hear it. It's like a hole being dug out of my heart as the music streams through my ears. I can tell you what I see when I hear music, what smells I wish I was smelling during certain songs and who I would love to be listening along with. Music more than ever before has been taking me places. Mostly places I have been and times I may never return to other than during a song. But sometimes melodies take me on journeys I never even began.

As much as music takes me places, even more it makes me dance.

When i say dance I don't mean: Ballet, jazz and the tango. I mean let myself completely go, feel the music and truly move.

God bless melodies.

2010-05-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

i hear it all around. in the square. at the grocery store. the news that he's in town. dining at someone's house. tonight. i have heard so many stories. heard of the truth he speaks, of the love he shows, of the forgiveness he grants. my heart beats with excitement, even that i might get a glimpse of him. but amidst the judgmental glances and whispers, i overhear that he is dining at the house of simon. nevertheless, i resolve that i will go to him.

after trekking up to this house-- the home of a pharisee, i approach the door and i cannot bear to take it all in. i dare not knock for i am sure that i will not be let in. i clutch my favorite perfume a little tighter and cross the treshold. i step into the room and all conversation quickly halts. i can feel the heat from stares all around me. but i only see him.

i can only see his kind smile.

i had expected to share all that was in my mind and heart. ask for forgiveness. yet, in his presence, i am gently quieted and stilled. how can One so holy look upon me with favor? i am but a woman unclean. he is already reclining at the table dining but his feet are not yet clean. i fall to my knees and am no longer able to hold back tears. hidden tears surface and spill over. tears of sorrow. tears of the scared twelve-year-old version of myself. tears of revelation. tears of gratitude.

these tears do not fall to the ground unnoticed. it is the least i could do but to cleanse the feet of my Savior with these droplets from my eyes. however, i see no towel of worth for him. the best i can do is to wipe his feet with my hair. i have let down my hair for so many others. i desire to give this gift to him and i desire to kiss his feet. i unscrew the top to my alabaster perfume and pour it all over his feet. we are seemingly the only ones in the room. and even if i had every day for the rest of my life, i could not thank him enough.

then. i couldn't have anticipated what happened next. Jesus stands up for me. He honors me with his words to these cruel men. Jesus calls me His. I need find integrity nowhere else than in His strong eyes. He only looks at me and graciously says, "your sins are forgiven. your faith has saved you; go in peace."

- - -

recieving big forgiveness, building expansive gratitude translates to ever increasing love.
i hope and pray that i can make this a part of my day to day.

- - -

2010-04-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

i have yet to find the balance between allowing myself to feel
and not getting caught up in the trap of the defeated mentality.
feeling bad for myself is so overrated. and i sure hope i see light soon.

God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience.
I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will,
a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.

-Elisabeth Eliot

soundtrack to my day

2010-04-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

5. Get Better- Mates of States
"everything's going to get lighter, even if it never gets better"

4. Since You've Been Around- Rosie Thomas
"i'm foolish and crazy. i just think that
maybe i've got a lot of things to figure out"

3. Signal Flare- Cataldo
"if i took the bus straight on back to our town,
would it make us much happier..?

2. Heaven Song- Phil Wickham
"i hear your voice and i catch my breath, "well done, my child"
and to live and rest. tears of joy roll down my cheek.
it's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams."

1. Hear the Noise That Moves So Soft and Low- James Vincent McMorrow
"your love is gold... seems, seems as though we’ll be stuck
out here for days to bang upon these drums that we have made"

2010-04-19T00:35:00.000-07:00

have you ever been in a moment and thought, "there is no where else in the world i would rather be." [?] this idea has broken through the mess of my mind pretty infrequently, but i always love it.

--outside of the Matte Factory in Colorado Springs with kate. talking about life and dreams and hope

--playing baseball in the front yard with Jacob and Luke for endless hours

--sitting beside molly and summit lake on rocks carved by glaciers millenia ago

-- beside a dear friend in the ER, hearing about her life changing diagnosis.

i often wish i could evermore live my life in the midst of this mentality: "wherever you are, be all there". always present. always giving. never wanting something more/ something else.

but i just don't think that it is possible/ likely given my human nature. given my wavering ways (see below). given my lack of satisfaction.

more and more i am being reminded that i must find my satisfaction in Christ alone.
more and more i am being pulled toward the lifestyle that Jesus calls us to, one where I am surrendered to Him hourly. the lifestyle where i find that He alone satisfies, He alone is where I can find who I am, He alone tells me that I am loved.

this is a good place to be.

most days, i trip up and desire that reassuring statement from someone i know, or try to place my identity and sufficiency in my talents/ knowledge. Jesus, in this moment, sweeps me off my feet and whispers, "you were made for much more. you were made for Me. by Me."

maybe for now, my aim, my goal: desire to be no where other than at the feet of my Mighty Loving Savior.

hallelujah.
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/Always+Forever/1Xh2Qk

2010-03-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

I waver in love.
I waver in motives.
I waver in forgiveness.
I waver in encouragement.
I waver in telling the truth.
I waver in following Jesus.
I waver.
I lie.
I tear down.
I hold grudges.

But God gives me grace.
I cant get away from it.

a few weeks ago, i sat with a dear friend after she experienced one of the toughest times i've seen anyone endure. through tear filled eyes, she said, "i want this season to be beautiful. i want this year to be defined by more than mediocre faith for you". i could not have felt the weight of those words more from anyone else. thank you and see you soon.

for now, i am in maryland [surprise] and am in love with all things break.

week 11

2010-03-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

i love week 11. Mental and physical fatigue. Too many cups of coffee. Laughing so you don't cry. Over 8,000 benzene rings drawn. Finding yourself completely incapable of forming coherent sentences. Six hours of testing for two days straight. Bomb. Needless to say, I'm fighting pretty hard to find joy. And it's moments like this that i treasure:

also. five more hours until finals winter '10 are completed. soon and very soon.

my motto for physics was "make Jesus proud"

Make me a tree, Lord

2010-02-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

Sturdy
Deep rooted
Useful
Support to those in need
Shelter to those who are weary
Fruit for those who hunger

Make me a tree, Lord
Sturdy
Deep rooted
Useful

[Celtic prayer]

the Lord will provide

2010-01-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

the best portion of a good man's life: his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." - William Wordsworth

it is one of the most beautiful things to see those around me rising up to be the hands and feet of Jesus. there's just something about that that seems right.

that has a return address in a Heavenly place.

coloring.

2010-01-22T15:15:00.001-08:00

colored pencils on paper has always been such a release for me. and so i just wanted to share some of my recent creations..

haiti.

2010-01-20T14:57:00.001-08:00

God, be the solution.

this has a return address in a Heavenly place

2010-01-11T18:12:00.000-08:00

how is it that God has wired you? what is the best good you can bring to the world? what evidence of Jesus are you seeing?

live in to that.

dream. envision. pick huge. have confidence. we are the kids of the kingdom. sons and daughters of the Lord of the universe.

be brave, true, unselfish. be fixed on Jesus while we wait for this polaroid film to develop. He is here.

2010-01-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

12 24 09
there is something so freeing about
worship. like when my mind gets woven
into a quilt of worries, lies, and
thoughts that are about me...
in steps the music, my paintbrush.
somehow you transform simple melodies
to powerful strokes that break knots
and mismatched pieces alike.

You are deconstructing me, removing
everything that I have ben leaning on.
other than You.
i sing, "He is jealous for me"
thanks for showing that. i surrender to
You and turn from these lesser things.
You alone are God. not me.
retrace this pattern, throw away soiled
scraps; refine me, Lord. until all i am is Yours

Christmas (!)

2009-12-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

these are my nephews: Jacob & Luke, nieces: Lila, Leah, & Mallory. just the best. seemingly growing up faster than time can hold. but there is something so serene and beautiful about how each of them are becoming a little person. heart. passions. questions. jokes & pranks. senses of humor. i appreciate every moment with these guys.

these are my parents, Janet and Rick. if ever a photo were to capture their spirit, this is it. full of joy and life.

recent wisdom from my mom: 'everything always, somehow, works itself out. enjoy the now.' such an important reminder these days.

i will rejoice.

defeated [?]

2009-12-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

what does one do when ones best is still not good enough?

do i set expectations for myself too high?
was i created to pursue something else?

/it is moments like these that school leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. i hate being defined by numbers. how can everything that i learned in the past two and a half months be quantified into three measily letters and some plus and minus signs?

things i know:
-God is big and good. God wants to be with us. He is with us, this very second. Immanuel.
-Joy transcends situations. I will rejoice.
-I am being transformed daily into the likeness of my Savior. more like the woman i was created to be.
- psalm 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
-I am not defined by what i am not.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyZSjww_y7I
-" I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time." - Forrest Gump

-I continue to see God's fingerprints. everywhere. may my eyes continue to open. "and I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began.." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rfp36MMWKS0

Extrovert ---> Introvert

2009-12-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

i just spent the most glorious saturday in my home. in maryland. i made a warm mug full of water + lemon juice + honey. i built the best fire ever. sat next to our Christmas tree. in our green painted, tan sectional sofa-ed, softly lit family room. i read many-a-chapter of Redeeming Love. it is a quasi-retelling of the book of Hosea. God's unrelenting love for His people, as shared through a tender relationship. confession: this may or may not be the first novel i've read in over a year. confession: RL may or may not be the first 'love story'-esque book i have ever filled my life with.

flames danced and waved, logs crackled, my heart was warmed. peace. i have not felt this at peace in months. shalom.

2009-11-18T01:05:00.001-08:00

life is so much bigger.

i could spend the rest of my life studying, learning, reading and never be satisfied. i love the labyrinths, the twists and turns, the fine tuning of my mental cogs. i have always made a conscious effort to flee from drama where i see it. however, this drama and intrigue of science, i run to with arms wide open. cyclohexane conformations and how essential oils of compounds can be extracted out. how endosymbiosis is drenched in Darwinian thought. i vote yes.

i am also recently being provided with the oppurtunity to partake in theological discussions every tuesday and thursday evening. seemingly, the more grains i grasp, the more i perceive the immense wheat field before me. thank the Lord i don't need to have all of the answers. but i am learning a heckaton.

and these souls i share life with. well they are world changes, heart fillers, laugh perfecters. I see God's extravagant love in and through them daily.

Christ's love makes the church whole, His words evoke her beauty. everything He does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. (eph 5.25)

ps. i stood in awe of a Heaven's smattering of stars tonight.
and laid on my roomate's newly foamed bed with encouragement and life being laced about me.

when you open your eyes.

iceland.

2009-10-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

obscure. removed. fresh. colorful. whimsical. mystical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXxJ9i91vfE
(this is a video of 100,000 Paper Planes being released to 'Olsen Olsen' by Sigur Ros.. my new favorite study song. re: 2:23. )

to do list:
"see the Aurora Borealis. yes."

2009-10-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

romance.

times.

2009-10-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

what are you doing with your life?
why are you not satisfied with where you are?

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVHeVDML5k]

Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath
it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting, the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i;m there in the storm
my love I will keep you by My power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
my love never ends...

this song was dearly passed on to me by a close friend. it has been on repeat ever since. all i keep hearing is that His love is here, too. in me, when i don't feel it. around me, when i don't see it. why am i so blind to it?

a majority of this season looks like me loving the Lord with m mind; reminding myself who God is, who I am in Him, and what He is doing in this great big world. 'You are big and You are good and i am okay in this moment. This world is drenched with Your love.'

it's inside. it's in between.

sarcasm.

2009-10-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

(sär'kăz'əm) n. a form of humor that uses sharp, cutting remarks or language intended to mock, wound, or subject to contempt or ridicule, generally saying the opposite of what the statement really is..

::: if sarcasm is a spiritual gift, you're Ruth.

sometimes, i just really need people/ books/ science to stoop down to my level:

"Usually you will know what you should have prepared. It requires a trip to your lab notebook or a handbook, of sorts. You have the data on solubility of the compound in your notebook. What's that you say? You don't have the data in your notebook?! Congratulations, you get the highest F in the course!"

Dr. Bartlett, concerning temporary dipoles:
" Helium at 1 angstrom apart is not pleased. At 50 angstroms distance with a 6 kelvin environment, we have-- you guessed it-- liquid Helium! One He atom says to the next, "hey! you! scootch your electrons on over here. let's be friends"... Can be minimal on a micro scale, but adds up to a significant amount of attraction."

alas, if only the world could visualize the world as i do.
recently, many things have had mickey mouse glove hands. odd.

does anyone ever wish that sarcastic GPS/ navigators were available?

place

2009-10-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

phones and i have a love hate relationship
connecting to friends and family on distant shores,
but they feel sort of like a waiting room...
a place to conviene, but not in a physical sense.
there is just something about presence,
about the weight of looking into eyes of another.
we carry this weight, significance around with us,
making light and color out of every interaction.
the climax of this firework show happens just
as the moon rises above the mountains.

eu esta saudade de voce.
it scares me how much i can feel for one person.
what am i getting myself into?
"see you next time at the tree..", you say, "see you soon."

questions.

2009-10-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

fact: i desire resolution, harmony.
fact: when those are not provided readily, i feel utterly unsettled.

i don't know how to cope with so many loose ends, with so many unresolved notes, with so many questions left unanswered. whether i find them in the halls of ashton; in the eyes of a Elise, a homeless woman in Fremont; in my own heart; in my relationship with God; creeping through the pages of the Bible; in the darkest places in my mind. i am simply confronted, overwhelmed.

On Christ the Solid Rock, I stand
all other ground is sinking sand
all other ground is sinking sand

/hip`ster/

2009-09-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

[https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html]

Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Definitely cooler than you. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band.

"please baby please" [X]rising through easy street records and beyond.. all i could think was 'i probably am not cool enough to be here'. sometimes baltimore just doesn't match up with Seattle. but time with david bazan and i felt home. home in my doubts. home in my fears. home in myself. home.

Seattle Reflections

2009-09-30T01:09:00.000-07:00

[day 1]
i looked at the fish tank at the hotel. all 7 feet of it. someone had wrecked a hole in a perfectly good wall for this expansive fish home. i expected a host of exotic aquatic creatures, fit for the swanky downtown digs. gazing around, i only saw two rather large fish amidst the rocks and vegetation. standing at gas works park, looking out onto the freshly lit, buzzing nightlife of the city, i remembered those fish. as well as the concept that fish will only grow as large as the tank they are placed in. the transition to a bigger tank might hurt a little. might get bumped and bruised and the temperature might be shock. but we'll be bigger and better fish because of it.

[day 2]
if Seattle could say anything:
i am alive and young. come fall in love here. you might not have to grow old together.. but can i just remind you that love is mystery, intrigue, a playful time, life giving. there's lots of things for you to do, for you to explore. seriously though, welcome one in. i know i rain a fair amount but i'm worth it. just wait and see. come steal my bread, drink my coffee, enjoy my parks, watch me light up at night. listen to the quiet hum of movement and steadiness. come alive in me. that's all i ask.

expanding view.

2009-09-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

Colorado: beautiful close out to a summer. I increasingly noticed God's place, presence, and blessing in/through all. Summit Lake (of Mt. Evans) with Molly Gwinner. Refreshment & Healing.

rafting with MollyG & KateJ. Coldest, funniest moments of my life. Surprising kindness of strangers despite our trespassing.

OldStage/ COSprings Life, & RoadTrip09 with Kate. so encouraged by our friendship and how God is moving in that area. more on that later maybs. Check the facebook vids.

so Seattle. Day 11. I love the feeling of this newness. fresh air. today, sitting in my first organic chemistry class, i envisioned me gazing upon this new, blank chapter, ready to be written and lived in. As my eyes spanned outside of this book, I went back to Chinook Pass, with Mt. Rainier in all its glory. A cool wind rustled the pages and my hair. I have never been more ready for this, i thought. I have never been more ready for this. God is going with and before me. [acts 17.27]

083009

2009-09-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Volunteer Musical (2009.08.29-30) from LifePoint Church on Vimeo.

God breathes,

2009-09-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

and life happens...

so much life is happening these days.

Sleepover with my small group girls from years past.
Dancing in the rain, pizookie, laughs, and love.
[Me, Sarah, Nicole, Leah, Emily, Riley] simply beautiful girls.
Captivate Christian Church: the Towson church plant that Christian will be rocking up this fall. Good people. Good heart. Good conversation. Good Word. 'Be still and know that I am God'

0829-0830 Lifepoint had its first weekend with four services. It is truly a beautiful thing to see people pouring through the warm, welcoming doors; but to also see hearts coming to Jesus. God is good. I got to hang out in Breakaway for 1045 on sunday. Fourth grade girls have my heart.

I also had the oppurtunity to share in lovely conversation with my momma this past sunday. It seems that despite having the whole summer in Maryland, it is near the end that we find time to enjoy each other's company. I'm a little jealous of her and dad's most recent trip to Utah. Creation points to and calls for a Creator (a Mighty One, with a plan, at that). Talk of Heaven and life on earth.. I got to gauge where she is spiritually and am believing God for big things. Praise God for pursuing us.

a friend recently reminded me, "Jesus is more invested and interested in your parents' salvation than you are." He desires them. and His love is stronger than the grave. [rom8:26, i suppose]

my biggest struggle right now is the coming transition. I can see myself continuing to be a part of the work God is doing here in Maryland. I love home; i really do. It has been nothing short of a miracle to spend these last eight weeks here. Another one of those, "exactly where I am supposed to be" feelings. But i am about to embark on two weeks in CO, then Seattle adventure begins.

God, may i say Yes to Your leading with a full, expectant heart. I trust in Your mighty, redemptive plan. Thank you for using such a broken vessel as myself. You are good.

my anthem these days:
[gal2.20] I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

also, Elisabeth Elliot is my lastest trend. Good. Great.
as well as late night drives with dear friends. thank you.

love without fear; -j

melissa&john

2009-08-26T08:48:00.001-07:00

it is indeed a beautiful thing to celebrate God's hand in the life and love of two dear friends. august 14th surely was a beautiful night :)

2009-08-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

my heart is learning to beat faster and stronger.

hmm...

( listen )

2009-08-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

thunder, hinting at the fireworks to come, shakes me to the core. it is amazing that the atmospheric afterthought was the forerunner to such a storm. rain torrents fall, heavy, and "i've never seen dis" comes from Leah's mouth.

bolts of lightning, casualties of a too close storm, fill the panoramic skyline. racing as fast as my heart, thunder tries to keep up with the flares.

but, it is a mind game, a tick of our many senses-- that we percieve light before sound. something feels right about that; (i would rather see than hear something). then again, i see the world in patterns, colors, and mental images.

hail pierces the clouds, pelting the drenched ground. the symphony is complete. as trees and wires fall, power leaves the home. one great power etinguishes these manmade circuits of ours. as if on cue from some grand Conductor, the storm that came in like a lion creeps out the back door like a lamb. and as minutes pass, it becomes more and more clear that even in the darkest, wildest storm,

light dawns.

what summer looks like

2009-07-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

ruin me.

2009-07-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKRJeDa_llQ

Woe to me, I am unclean
A sinner found in your presence
I see you, seated on your throne
Exalted, Your glory surrounds you

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare, when I see your glory

Ruin my life, the plans that I've made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken your place
'Til it's you alone I live for
You alone I live for

Holy, Holy, is the Lord Almighty
Holy is the Lord

-jeff johnson.

cents sense

2009-07-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

"here's a penny for your time". i've never understood that phrase; the meaning nor the use of it.

the rapid speed of life has taught me to savor, treasure, be completely present for these moments in which i am here. and this is exactly what Adam Workman spoke about today at church. Podcast it, if interested.

bytheway; my family is the coolest. [happy 4th!]
I just spent the past few days camping with my parents, sister & brother-in-law and kids. My oldest nephew, Jacob came with us, and brought a friend- Noah. I was able to run around, swim, hike some woods, and go through some crazy bike trails.

I'm not sure why, but at least once or twice every day, Noah would hand me a penny and walk away. I'm not sure where the pennies came from and/or why i kept being the recipient of them.

at the end of our time in VA, i ended up with about 60 cents, which went towards the purchase of a mighty fine slurpee.

what do you do with your pennies?

This Year,

2009-06-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

I learned…

Fall '08

Seattle is a marvelous place to call home.

Answering the same five conversational questions throughout Fall quarter is not fun.

My notes take very funny shapes when I nod off in class.

The crowd that shows up to a Benedictine Monk Compline service is quite eclectic.

God does not belong in boxes.

I learned what real dreams are. I learned that real dreams require risks. And so, I am going to chase after my dreams with all that I am until I fail, fall flat on my face—knowing that I’ve given my all.

10 weeks of living in community with 46 incredible women can change a person’s life.

Winter '09

The image of God is not in the presence of ten fingers and ten toes, but rather in the presence of a soul.

Emotions are vehicles, and are not always truth, but they can lead to truth.

An ancient tree in the middle of a cemetery can be one of the most freeing places in the world.

As a human being, I can bring Heaven to Earth.
I become a shell of a person when I am not serving others.

I learned ‘grace’.

An aimless drive with my older brother can change my perspectives, heart, and spirit.

I learned that my heart can ache with pain of a friend on a distant coast.
‘Even in darkness, light dawns.” psalm 112:4

I learned that it doesn’t have to be okay all the time. “I’m okay with not being okay.”

It is crucial to take one day a week to remind myself that the world will continue to exist without my efforts. “Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom of God, and so we have to stop.” –rob bell

“The waves of baptism are making a Venice out of these catacomb ruins”

Spring '09

I learned that I have a huge imagination and continually visualize things I hear.
I learned that God can speak to me so strongly through these mental pictures. (04/05/09)

Love is often a feeling, and it is also often a choice.

In regards to God, mystery is much more grand than concrete understanding.

I learned that my love language is quality time. I appreciate and am fed by moments spent walking, drinking coffee, lying on dorm floors at all hours of the morning, in the tree house, at Gwinn high tables, and at the Beach on blankets.

"The real miracle comes when you can look back at even the most painful experiences in your life and find the good that God has brought out of it." -erm

‘it is well with my soul’.

Going home for a long weekend to be with family is crucial and filling. I learned to say goodbye.

I learned that a conversation with a drunken, old man on a Downtown bus can bring me joy for weeks. I learned that seeing the same old man three weeks later, sober, leads to even more unexpected conversations.

I learned that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" & “go fight win” & the meaning of the words “triumph”, "conquer".

I learned that I don’t know who I am and “just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost”.

I learned that I despise confrontation, but it just might help bring about good change.

Lake Wenatchee. Life, beauty, kayaks, sleeping under the stars. Yes.

I got a taste of Ashton SMC staff: initiation day, dinners, sharing life and laughter. FAMILY!

I learned that beginning chapter nineteen of life is incredible with good friends by your side.

“it is a life of gratitude that makes us whole, overwhelms us with love, and moves us to live generous lives”

I learned of One who has never given up on me.

I learned to expect the un-expected.

--------
and so much more... my heart, my mind, my soul are so full these days. God is good. and alive and at work in this place. Rehabilitating houses with Hosanna in Pittsburgh was exactly what i needed. God bless those families.

off to Creation Fest Northeast in PA for a few days.

live love

dear life,

2009-06-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

you move way too fast. i try my best to rest, to enjoy the little things, to do what i love, to learn way too much, to grow alongside incredible people. however, the rapid speed at which your grains of sand are falling through my hourglass is not okay. please slow down.

love, jessica.

Standing atop Mount Mugu yesterday with brother and wife provided time and space for reflection. i feel as if more of that will be coming in the near future. I want to gauge this past season of life for what it was. I want to weave all that i've learned into my daily life. I want to see the ways in which I failed and grow... in all, through all, be transformed.

Flew home to Maryland today, red eye-- my favorite.
landed to a brand new day. landed with the sun rise.
life, you can take your rapid pace; i'm going to keep enjoying and loving and living.

yes.yes.yes.

new ideas.

2009-06-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

Love is not always a feeling. Sometimes it is a choice.

'you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.'

screw.

2009-06-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

so. there is a group of eight girls that i've had the oppurtunity to live life with here at spu. their love, light, presences have

healed me.

transformed my darkest days.

fed my mind (and stomach).

put me in my place.

let me be me.

captured joy and laughter to the fullest extent.

chapter nineteen

2009-06-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

060109 what a day. i feel so privileged to be surrounded by such caring, giving, compassionate individuals. it is a beautiful thing to have people pour into you.

i'm excited for what this next year of life brings. new seasons. new struggles. new triumphs. i think i like birthdays in the same way that i like New Years.

these moments allow me to reflect on a whole year, but to also hope and wish for things to come.

hope. how did i get by without you? thanks for coming back.

these past nine months of school have led me to, in, and through paths of learning.
learning to love, learning to be loved, learning to choose,
learning to be a friend, learning that i have a voice,
learning that identity is never permanent,
learning that the only consistent thing in life is inconsistency.

thank you; to all of you who are learning alongside with me.
let's never give up on the journey towards becoming the people we were meant to be.