Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace. –The Confessions of Saint Augustine

tomorrow. swp.

“I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”
-jonathan safran foer, extremely cloud & incredibly close"

a friend this evening asked me if i feel divided. what with being home for two weeks, hopping on another plane, and living a remarkably different life in seattle.. "how do you do it?"

how do i do it?

somewhat thoughtlessly, i suppose. i jump the void between these vastly different places. my eight hours on a plane is processing time. this time, east to west. shedding maryland self and taking on all that is seattle. hustle, drive, rush. to breathe, be, learn, explore. i think it says something when i am more excited about being alive in the emerald city. don't get me wrong it has been a gift to be here. i love my family & all of their antics. old & new community (especially via camping) with folks from here is more than i could have asked for.

thirty-six hours left: take the kids to school. run. sushi with shelby. concert. seeing my best friend for the first time in a year. powerplant live. BWI to Sea Tac.

and just like that i am back with the people i have been able to share the past four years with. i sometimes get quite weirded out about this whole world of relationships where people know me as i am now, but not who i was any time before a couple years ago.

"it's like you cannot know me without knowing everyone who has made me me" -bkm

thank you for making me me, for asking, for listening, for always beginning with the 1030 rule. i shall eternally share chai with you. dirty or otherwise.

see you soon, seattle. sorry for cheating on you for so long. baltimore has nothing on you.

those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

may i belong.

these words i wish not to inscribe. for uncertainty and weakness are safer in the cages and caverns of my mind. but like a cry for help or bat flapping its wings, the sound is magnified. reverberating off the damp walls, continually piercing my heart. non-fatal wounds that leave me gasping for air, leave me in awe of the circumstances i find myself in.

i am quite manic these days. i know not the stable, even keeled self. though my every analysis of my actions confirm that i am not so different, my mind and heart are racing, speeding toward an unknown destination. before i reach it, i am left worn, weary, and doubting all things. how can You love me? even when I push You away. i fill my mind with scores of ideas about You. I am left in awe of You. You in all Your complexity, Your simplicity. The Divine. yet immanent. Such light, yet my heart still finds chained shades of grey. You are the God who breaks chains, sets the captives free. so come, Lord. Come Lord Jesus.

camp. begins. tomorrow.

time at home:
glorious family, fantastic friends, dance parties, summer humidity, swimming, reservoir, crabs, beth+rocket to venus, steph!, downtown, toy story 3!!

we embark on our trek North tomorrow.

i LOVE all that is unknown: new. fresh. exhilarating.

pray for me, please. it would just about be the best ever.

love! -j